What does "faithful are the wounds of a friend" mean?

c. 388–390 · Ambrose of Milan, On the Duties of the Clergy (De officiis) 1.34.173

Good-will also is wont to remove the sword of anger. It is also good-will that makes the wounds of a friend to be better than the willing kisses of an enemy. Goodwill again makes many to become one. For if many are friends, they become one; in whom there is but one spirit and one opinion. We note, too, that in friendship corrections are pleasing. They have their sting, but they cause no pain.

386–429 · Augustine of Hippo, Letters 73.4

If, however, through weakness, either common to human nature or peculiar to myself, I cannot help feeling some pain from rebuke, even when I am justly reproved, it is far better to have a tumour in one’s head cured, though the lance cause pain, than to escape the pain by letting the disease go on. This was clearly seen by him who said that, for the most part, our enemies who expose our faults are more useful than friends who are afraid to reprove us. For the former, in their angry recriminations, sometimes charge us with what we indeed require to correct; but the latter, through fear of destroying the sweetness of friendship, show less boldness on behalf of right than they ought.

386–429 · Augustine of Hippo, Letters 82.31

You have indeed yourself done towards me this very thing,—becoming to me as I am,—“not with the subtlety of deception, but with the love of compassion,” when you thought that it behoved you to take as much pains to prevent me from being left in a mistake, in which you believed me to be, as you would have wished another to take for your deliverance if the case had been your own. Wherefore, gratefully acknowledging this evidence of your goodwill towards me, I also claim that you also be not displeased with me, if, when anything in your treatises disquieted me, I acquainted you with my distress, desiring the same course to be followed by all towards me as I have followed towards you, that whatever they think worthy of censure in my writings, they would neither flatter me with deceitful commendation nor blame me before others for that of which they are silent towards myself; thereby, as it seems to me, more seriously “wounding friendship and setting at nought the laws of brotherly union.” For I would hesitate to give the name of Christian to those friendships in which the common proverb, “Flattery makes friends, and truth makes enemies,” is of more authority than the scriptural proverb, “Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.”

c. 388–390 · Ambrose of Milan, On the Duties of the Clergy (De officiis) 3.22.126

A man, then, ought never to please a friend who desires evil, or to plot against one who is innocent. Certainly, if it is necessary to give witness, then, when one knows of any fault in a friend, one ought to rebuke him secretly—if he does not listen, one must do it openly. For rebukes are good, and often better than a silent friendship. Even if a friend thinks himself hurt, still rebuke him; and if the bitterness of the correction wounds his mind, still rebuke him and fear not. “The wounds of a friend are better than the kisses of flatterers.”

c. 400–401 · John Chrysostom, Homilies on the Acts of the Apostles 3

For indeed the best physicians, although the sickness of their patients brings them in fees, would rather their friends were well. And so we too wish all to be well. (2 Cor. xiii. 7.) It is not that we desire to be approved, and you reproved. I would gladly manifest, if it were possible, with my very eyes, the love which I bear to you: for then no one would be able to reproach me, though my language were ever so rough. “For speech of friends, yea, were it insult, can be borne;” more “faithful are the wounds of a friend, rather than the ready kisses of an enemy. (Prov. xxvii. 6.)

c. 1120–1140 · Bernard of Clairvaux, Some Letters of Saint Bernard (selection of 66) 19.8

The righteous has oil, too, but of mercy, of sanctification, of spiritual joy. He has wine, which he pours into the wounds of the haughty soul. But for the soul of him that mourns, and for him of contrite heart, he has the oil of mercy, with which he is wont to soften its sorrow. Where he corrects, he pours in wine; when he soothes, oil; but wine without bitterness, and oil without guile. Thus, not every praise is flattery, nor every blame mixed with rancour. Blessed is he who can say: Let the righteous smite me in mercy, and reprove me: but let not the oil of the sinner break my head (Ps. cxli. 5), which when you have put far from you, you have shown yourself worthy of the oil and wine of the saints.

1557 · John Calvin, Commentary on the Psalms, part 5 (Psalms 119:121-150) 141.5

While Satan tempts the wicked by his allurements, they, at the same time, deceive one another by flattery, which leads David to declare, that he would much rather be awakened to his duty by the severe rod of reproof, than be seduced through pleasing falsehoods. Among those who hold religion in contempt no reproof is administered to one who has contracted any sin, and, therefore, if we have any concern for our spiritual safety we will connect ourselves with good men, who restore such as have fallen by upright admonition, and bring back those who have erred to the right way. It is not agreeable to corrupt nature to be reproved when we sin, but, David had brought himself to that degree of docility and self-denial which led him to consider no reproof distasteful which he knew to proceed from the spirit of kindness.

1647–1657 · Thomas Manton, Works, vol. V An Exposition, with Notes, upon the Epistle of Jude, Verses 22, 23

None hate you worse than those that ‘suffer sin upon you.’ If physic gripe the bowels, it is for your good. If the chirurgeon lance and cut you, yet he doth not hate you.

1674 · Richard Allestree, The Government of the Tongue 8.11

At the long run an honest freedom of speech will more recommend a man, than all these sneaking flatteries: we have a very wise man’s word for it, he that rebuketh a man afterwards shall find more favor, than he that flattereth with his lips.

1710 · Matthew Henry, Commentary on Psalms 141.5-10

Though reproofs cut, it is in order to a cure, and therefore they are much more desirable than the kisses of an enemy (Prov. xxvii. 6) or the song of fools, Eccl. vii. 5. David blessed God for Abigail's seasonable admonition, 1 Sam. xxv. 32. 3. We must reckon ourselves helped and healed by it: It shall be as an excellent oil to a wound, to mollify it and close it up; it shall not break my head, as some reckon it to do, who could as well bear to have their heads broken as to be told of their faults; but, says David, "I am not of that mind; it is my sin that has broken my head, that has broken my bones, Ps. li. 8. The reproof is an excellent oil, to cure the bruises sin has given me. It shall not break my head, if it may but help to break my heart."

1710 · Matthew Henry, Commentary on Proverbs 28.23

Note, 1. Flatterers may please those for a time who, upon second thoughts, will detest and despise them. If ever they come to be convinced of the evil of those sinful courses they were flattered in, and to be ashamed of the pride and vanity which were humoured and gratified by those flatteries, they will hate the fawning flatterers as having had an ill design upon them, and the fulsome flatteries as having had an ill effect upon them and become nauseous. 2. Reprovers may displease those at first who yet afterwards, when the passion is over and the bitter physic begins to work well, will love and respect them. He that deals faithfully with his friend, in telling him of his faults, though he may put him into some heat for the present, and perhaps have hard words, instead of thanks, for his pains, yet afterwards he will not only have the comfort in his own bosom of having done his duty, but he also whom he reproved will acknowledge that it was a kindness, will entertain a high opinion of his wisdom and faithfulness, and look upon him as fit to be a friend. He that cries out against his surgeon for hurting him when he is searching his wound will yet pay him well, and thank him too, when he has cured it.

c. 1714 · William Tong, Commentary on Revelation 3.14-22

Here is added great and gracious encouragement to this sinful people to take the admonition and advice well that Christ had given them, v. 19, 20. He tells them, (1.) It was given them in true and tender affection: "Whom I love, I rebuke and chasten. You may think I have given you hard words and severe reproofs; it is all out of love to your souls. I would not have thus openly rebuked and corrected your sinful lukewarmness and vain confidence, if I had not been a lover of your souls; had I hated you, I would have let you alone, to go on in sin till it had been your ruin." Sinners ought to take the rebukes of God's word and rod as tokens of his good-will to their souls, and should accordingly repent in good earnest, and turn to him that smites them; better are the frowns and wounds of a friend than the flattering smiles of an enemy.

1765 · John Wesley, Explanatory Notes on Proverbs 27.5

Open - When it is needful, in which case, though it put a man to some shame yet it doth him good. Better - More desirable and beneficial. Secret love - Which does not shew itself by friendly actions, and particularly by free and faithful reproof.

1823 · Robert South, Sermons Preached Upon Several Occasions, Volume 5 7

The first is the concealing or dissembling of the defects or vices of any person. Indeed to publish a man’s defects to others is malice, but to declare them to himself is friendship and sincerity; for it is to awake him out of his sleep when his house is afire, and to tell him that he is under a distemper that may prove mortal, if not prevented by timely applications: but flattery is like that devil mentioned in the gospel, that is both blind and dumb; it will pretend not to see faults, and if it does, it will be sure not to reprove them; a temper of all others the most base, cruel, and unchristian: for it declares a man unconcerned in the misery and calamity of his brother, such an one as will not put himself to the expense of a word, to recover a perishing soul from the mouth of ruin and damnation.

1856–1869 · J. C. Ryle, Expository Thoughts on the Gospels: Luke 11.45-54

We see Him without fear or favor rebuking the sins of the Jewish expounders of God's law. That false charity which calls it "unkind" to say that any one is in error, finds no encouragement in the language used by our Lord. He calls things by their right names. He knew that acute diseases need severe remedies. He would have us know that the truest friend to our souls, is not the man who is always "speaking smooth things," and agreeing with everything we say, but the man who tells us the most truth.

1857 · Charles Haddon Spurgeon, Spurgeon's Sermons, Volume 3 (1857) 120

You may depend upon that man who will tell you of your faults in a kind and considerate manner. Fawning hypocrites, insidious flatterers, are the sweepings and offal of friendship. They are but the parasites upon that noble tree. But true friends put enough trust in you to tell you openly of your faults. Give me for a friend the man who will speak honestly of me before my face; who will not tell first one neighbor, and then another, but who will come straight to my house, and say, “Sir, I feel there is such-and-such a thing in you, which, as my brother, I must tell you of.” That man is a true friend; he has proved himself to be so; for we never get any praise for telling people of their faults; we rather hazard their dislike; a man will sometimes thank you for it, but he does not often like you any the better. Praise is a thing we all love. I met with a man the other day who said he was impervious to flattery; I was walking with him at the time, and turning round rather sharply, I said, “At any rate, sir, you seem to have a high gift in flattering yourself, for you are really doing so, in saying you are impervious to flattery.”

1861 · Charles Haddon Spurgeon, Spurgeon's Sermons, Volume 7 (1861) 355

When we think of Christ, again, we see One who was full of love-not that love which cants and whines, but the love which is true and honest, and which for love's sake dares not flatter. We see a love which dwelt not in words, but in very deeds—a love which gave its whole self up to the objectives which it had chosen. If we would be like Christ, we must be pillars of love. We must not be so loving that we yield up everything that is masculine in our nature; our love must be that faithful love which, in faithfulness, gives wounds even to a friend.

1871 · A. R. Fausset, Commentary Critical and Explanatory on Proverbs 27.5-6

5, 6. secret love—not manifested in acts is useless; and even, if its exhibition by rebukes wounds us, such love is preferable to the frequent (compare Margin), and hence deceitful, kisses of an enemy.

1873 · E. H. Plumptre, Notes on the Bible: Proverbs 27.5

Secret love - Better, love that is hidden; i. e., love which never shows itself in this one way of rebuking faults. Rebuke, whether from friend or foe, is better than such love.

1873 · E. H. Plumptre, Notes on the Bible: Proverbs 27.6

Very lavish is the enemy of the kisses that cover perfidy, but lavish of them only. His courtesy goes no deeper.

1876 · Charles Haddon Spurgeon, Spurgeon's Sermons, Volume 22 (1876) 1276

If conscience upbraid thee, feel its upbraiding and heed its rebuke. It is thy best friend; faithful are its friendly wounds, but the kisses of a flattering enemy are deceitful.

1896 · Charles Haddon Spurgeon, Spurgeon's Sermons, Volume 42 (1896) 2484

You know that there are several ways of proving yourself a man's friend. There is a man who calls upon one whom he regards as his friend and he says, "Friend, I need you to give me some drink." And his friend says to him, "There is the bottle—take as much as you like." A man who acts like that is only worthy to be called a foe! The poor fellow has another friend upon whom he calls and, to his request, his other friend replies, "I cannot give you strong drink, for I believe that it would greatly injure you. I look upon it as a mischievous thing and I am afraid the habit of drinking is growing upon you. Excuse me, but I cannot give it to you."

1905–1910 · Alexander Maclaren, Expositions of Holy Scripture: 1 Kings 21.20

The faithful rebuker, the merciful inflicter of pain, is the truest friend of the wrongdoer. The worst enemy of the sinful heart is the voice that either tempts it into sin, or lulls it into self-complacency.

c. 388–390 · Ambrose of Milan, On the Duties of the Clergy (De officiis) 3.22.132

Friendship is the guardian of pity and the teacher of equality, so as to make the superior equal to the inferior, and the inferior to the superior. For there can be no friendship between diverse characters, and so the good-will of either ought to be mutually suited to the other. Let not authority be wanting to the inferior if the matter demands it, nor humility to the superior. Let him listen to the other as though he were of like position—an equal, and let the other warn and reprove like a friend, not from a desire to show off, but with a deep feeling of love. Let not thy warning be harsh, nor thy rebuke bitter, for as friendship ought to avoid flattery, so, too, ought it to be free from arrogance.

c. 386–397 · John Chrysostom, Homilies on Ephesians (In epistulam ad Ephesios homiliae 1-24) 18

Hide not thy talent. It is for this that thou hast speech, it is for this thou hast a mouth and a tongue, that thou mayest correct thy neighbor. It is dumb and reasonless creatures only that have no care for their neighbor, and take no account of others. But dost thou while calling God, “Father,” and thy neighbor, “brother,” when thou seest him committing unnumbered wickednesses, dost thou prefer his good-will to his welfare? No, do not so, I entreat you. There is no evidence of friendship so true as never to overlook the sins of our brethren.

c. 399–422 · Augustine of Hippo, On the Holy Trinity (De Trinitate) 2.pref.1

For the lover of truth need fear no one’s censure. For he that censures, must needs be either enemy or friend. And if an enemy reviles, he must be borne with: but a friend, if he errs, must be taught; if he teaches, listened to. But if one who errs praises you, he confirms your error; if one who flatters, he seduces you into error. “Let the righteous,” therefore, “smite me, it shall be a kindness; and let him reprove me; but the oil of the sinner shall not anoint my head.”

c. 1611 · Lewis Bayly, The Practice of Piety 7

Reprehension, be it just, be it unjust; come it from the mouth of a friend, or from a foe, never does a wise man harm; for if it be true, thou hast a warning to amend—if it be false, thou hast a caveat what to avoid. So every way it makes a wise man better, or more wary.

1646–1690 · John Owen, Sermons of John Owen life.13

And as it seems that some reproofs, at least, — some regular dealings of righteous persons with us, — may come as a stroke that makes us shake and tremble; so it is a good advance in spiritual wisdom, to find out kindness and mercy in those that are so grievous unto our natural spirits, — unto flesh and blood.

1655–1662 · William Gurnall, The Christian in Complete Armour Part 17. DIRECTION SIXTH. The Several Pieces of the Whole Armour of God. Second Piece—The

Be sure to get some Christian friend whom thou mayest trust above others to be thy faithful monitor. O that man hath a great help for the maintaining the power of godliness, that hath an open-hearted friend that dare speak his heart to him! A stander-by sees more sometimes, by a man, than the actor can do by himself, and is more fit to judge of his actions than he is of his own. Sometimes self-love blinds us in our own cause, that we see not ourselves so bad as we are; and sometimes we are over-suspicious of the worst by ourselves, which makes us appear to ourselves worse than we are. Now that thou mayest not deprive thyself of so great help from thy friend, be sure to keep thy heart ready with meekness to receive, yea, with thankfulness to embrace, a reproof from his mouth. Those that cannot bear plain dealing hurt themselves most; for by this they seldom hear the truth. He that hath not love enough to give a reproof seasonably to his brother, nor humility enough to bear a reproof from him, is not worthy to be called a Christian.

1673 · Richard Baxter, A Christian Directory Chapter XXXIV. Cases and Directions About Self-judging

Discourage not those that would admonish or reprove you, nor neglect their opinion of you. No, not the railings of an enemy; for they may tell you that in anger (much more in fidelity) which it may concern you much to hear, and think of, and may give you some light in judging of yourselves. Direct. IV. If you have so happy an opportunity, engage some faithful bosom friend to watch over you, and tell you plainly of all that they see amiss in you. But deal not so hypocritically as to do this in the general, and then be angry when he performeth his trust, and discourage him by your pride and impatience.

1706–1708 · Matthew Henry, Commentary on Leviticus 19.11-18

Note, Friendly reproof is a duty we owe to one another, and we ought both to give it and take it in love. Let the righteous smite me, and it shall be a kindness, Ps. cxli. 5. Faithful and useful are those wounds of a friend, Prov. xxvii. 5, 6. It is here strictly commanded, "Thou shalt in any wise do it, and not omit it under any pretence." Consider, (1.) The guilt we incur by not reproving: it is construed here into a hating of our brother. We are ready to argue thus, "Such a one is a friend I love, therefore I will not make him uneasy by telling him of his faults;" but we should rather say, "therefore I will do him the kindness to tell him of them." Love covers sin from others, but not from the sinner himself.

1710–1714 · Matthew Henry, Commentary on Mark 6.14-29

Though John had an interest in him, and he might fear this plain-dealing would destroy his interest, yet he reproved him; for faithful are the wounds of a friend (Prov. xxvii. 6); and though there are some swine that will turn again, and rend those that cast pearls before them, yet, ordinarily, he that rebuketh a man (if the person reproved has any thing of the understanding of a man), afterwards shall find more favour than he that flattereth with his tongue, Prov. xxviii. 23. Though it was dangerous to offend Herod, and much more to offend Herodias, yet John would run the hazard rather than be wanting in his duty. Note, Those ministers that would be found faithful in the work of God, must not be afraid of the face of man. If we seek to please men, further than is for their spiritual good, we are not the servants of Christ.

1745 · Philip Doddridge, The Rise and Progress of Religion in the Soul 25.6

(Isa. 9:13) To assist you in this, call in the help of pious friends, and particularly of your minister: entreat not only their prayers, but their advice too, as to the probable design of Providence; and encourage them freely to tell you any thing which occurs to their minds upon this head. And if such an occasion should lead them to touch upon some of the imperfections of your character and conduct look upon it as a great token of their friendship, and take it, not only patiently, but thankfully. It does but ill become a Christian, at any time, to resent reproofs and admonitions; and least of all does it become him, when the rebukes of his Heavenly Father are upon him. He ought rather to seek admonitions at such a time as this, and voluntarily offer his wounds to be searched by a faithful and skillful hand.

1771–1772 · George Whitefield, Selected Sermons 8

But there is another kind of reproof incumbent on every member of a religious society; namely, a gentle rebuke for some miscarriage or other, which though not actually sinful, yet may become the occasion of sin. This indeed seems a more easy, but perhaps will be found a more difficult point than the former: for when a person has really sinned, he cannot but own his brethren's reproof to be just; whereas, when it was only for some little misconduct, the pride that is in our natures will scarce suffer us to brook (endure, tolerate) it. But however ungrateful this pill may be to our brother, yet if we have any concern for his welfare, it must be administered by some friendly hand or other. By all means then let it be applied; only, like a skillful physician, gild over the ungrateful pill, and endeavor, if possible, to deceive thy brother into health and soundness.

1834 · Albert Barnes, Notes on the Bible: Matthew 15.39

Hypocrites should be unmasked and detected, Mat 15:7. He does a great service to people who detects their hypocrisy. That close and faithful preaching which lays open the heart, and shows people what they are, is that which comes nearest to the example of Christ. It may pain them, but the wounds of a friend are faithful Pro 27:6; and we should honor and love the man that, by the grace of God, can show us our own hearts. We always honor most the physician of the body that is most skilled in detecting and curing disease, and so should we the physician of the soul.

1856–1869 · J. C. Ryle, Expository Thoughts on the Gospels: Mark 6.14-29

No doubt a reprover, like John the Baptist, must go to work wisely and lovingly in carrying out his Master's commission, and rebuking the wicked. But it is a matter in which his character for faithfulness and charity are manifestly at stake. If he believes a man is injuring his soul, he ought surely to tell him so. If he loves him truly and tenderly, he ought not to let him ruin himself unwarned. Great as the present offence may be, in the long run the faithful reprover will generally be respected. "He that rebukes a man, afterwards shall find more favor than he that flatters him with his tongue." (Prov. 28:23.)

1872 · John Wesley, Sermons on Several Occasions 65

I now proceed to the outward manner. It has been frequently found that the prefacing a reproof with a frank profession of good-will has caused what was spoken to sink deep into the heart. This will generally have a far better effect, than that grand fashionable engine, — flattery, by means of which the men of the world have often done surprising things. But the very same things, yea, far greater, have much oftener been effected by a plain and artless declaration of disinterested love.